Picture (Im)perfect
Picture (Im)perfect
Anyone who's known me, even briefly, knows I have two unbreakable rules:
Rule 1)
No pictures. Not never. No. No. (Spanish) No. (Italian) Nay. Nyet. Nein. Non. Fuggetaboutit. (Brooklyn) Bu shi zhe yang. (Mandarin)
Rule 2)
Never Ever break Rule 1
Was I ever thus? some may wonder. For those who don't (wonder), skip the next couple of paragraphs to get to my ultimate humiliations, which we'll get to in a couple of paragraphs.
Anyway, as a youngster, I don't recall having Rule 1. But apparently there were limited opportunities to call for it's enforcement. Family lore reveals that the 3,457 pix of my oldest brother were taken because, during the War, my mother lived with her sister who actually owned a camera. In the Post War (Post Camera) years picture taking took a dramatic decline, so there are fewer pictures of subsequent progeny.*
Not to mislead, there's sufficient documentation of my childhood. And I, too young to know better, happily posed for any number of school pix, family holiday photos and the like. Little suspecting that these frozen moments in time could be released to the general public, or, at the very least, unsuspecting family members. Some might call that child abuse, but I'll leave that for others to judge.
So, on we go for decades of picture taking compliance until September 28, 1985, when the last decent photo of me was taken.
This is Scientific Fact.
Obviously, at that point, Rules 1 and 2 were initiated. But having rules and enforcing them are two different things. You know how some people take out their phone and are all "Okay everyone, including Carol, let's get together for a group shot."
Anyone who's known me, even briefly, knows I have two unbreakable rules:
Rule 1)
No pictures. Not never. No. No. (Spanish) No. (Italian) Nay. Nyet. Nein. Non. Fuggetaboutit. (Brooklyn) Bu shi zhe yang. (Mandarin)
Rule 2)
Never Ever break Rule 1
| Paparazzi! |
Was I ever thus? some may wonder. For those who don't (wonder), skip the next couple of paragraphs to get to my ultimate humiliations, which we'll get to in a couple of paragraphs.
Anyway, as a youngster, I don't recall having Rule 1. But apparently there were limited opportunities to call for it's enforcement. Family lore reveals that the 3,457 pix of my oldest brother were taken because, during the War, my mother lived with her sister who actually owned a camera. In the Post War (Post Camera) years picture taking took a dramatic decline, so there are fewer pictures of subsequent progeny.*
Not to mislead, there's sufficient documentation of my childhood. And I, too young to know better, happily posed for any number of school pix, family holiday photos and the like. Little suspecting that these frozen moments in time could be released to the general public, or, at the very least, unsuspecting family members. Some might call that child abuse, but I'll leave that for others to judge.
So, on we go for decades of picture taking compliance until September 28, 1985, when the last decent photo of me was taken.
This is Scientific Fact.
Obviously, at that point, Rules 1 and 2 were initiated. But having rules and enforcing them are two different things. You know how some people take out their phone and are all "Okay everyone, including Carol, let's get together for a group shot."
"Not Never. No. No (Spanish). No (Italian). Nay. Nyet. Nein. Fuggetaboutit (Brooklyn).Bu shi zhe yang(Mandarin)."
Tangent: Apparently I'm not unique in this photo aversion. There's even a, go figure, sciencey name for it: Fotografizophobia, the fear of having your photograph taken. Which brings us, inevitably, to
Hippoptomonstroesquippedaliophobia. Commonly known as, check me on this, Asesquippedaliaphobia: fear of long words.
Humiliation One:
Two words
PASSPORT PHOTO.
Humiliation Two
I recently received notification from our NJMVC (New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission), previously the NJDMV (New Jersey Division Of Motor Vehicles), that my NJDL (New Jersey Driver's License) was about to expire and I was to report to the MVC ASAP to renew my NJDL or I would be SOL
Tangent: Re the change from DMV to MVC. Having worked for the SNJ (State of New Jersey) for possibly decades,** I've come to appreciate the NJDOR (New Jersey Division Of Re-naming), previously the NJBOLCTNOSOK (New Jersey Bureau Of Let's Change The Names Of Stuff OK). Which works thus: directly after distributing 42,000,000 business cards and letterhead, it's MSL (Mandatory State Law) that the NJDOR re-issue the above cited materials reflecting the change in a particular department.*** That change being its name. ,
And Now Back To My Humiliating Story
There we were, all of us at the MVC, in bureaucratic hell, clutching all kinds of identifying documents confirming that we were in possession of all kinds of identifying documents.
And the final step to this process? The Photo ID for our NJDL And, apparently, from the expressions of the folks having completed the process, comparable to a root canal.
And tragically, you cannot invoke Rules 1 and 2.
And, inevitably, there I stood in front of that white screen, waiting for the click and flash and the unavoidable result.
Click. Flash.
There it was, displayed at approximately 5,000 times it's actual size.
THE PICTURE. For all (me, the MVC lady and all the folks waiting in line behind me) to view.
Kindly, the very kind MVC lady, having viewed THE PICTURE, kindly asked me "Do you want to take another one?"
Bless that MVC kindly lady. I agreed to have another go at it, knowing all along, that it was a waste of MVC time.
Three, kindly, PICTURES later, we both threw in the towel. You can't fight Science.
Humiliation One:
Two words
PASSPORT PHOTO.
Humiliation Two
I recently received notification from our NJMVC (New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission), previously the NJDMV (New Jersey Division Of Motor Vehicles), that my NJDL (New Jersey Driver's License) was about to expire and I was to report to the MVC ASAP to renew my NJDL or I would be SOL
Tangent: Re the change from DMV to MVC. Having worked for the SNJ (State of New Jersey) for possibly decades,** I've come to appreciate the NJDOR (New Jersey Division Of Re-naming), previously the NJBOLCTNOSOK (New Jersey Bureau Of Let's Change The Names Of Stuff OK). Which works thus: directly after distributing 42,000,000 business cards and letterhead, it's MSL (Mandatory State Law) that the NJDOR re-issue the above cited materials reflecting the change in a particular department.*** That change being its name. ,
And Now Back To My Humiliating Story
There we were, all of us at the MVC, in bureaucratic hell, clutching all kinds of identifying documents confirming that we were in possession of all kinds of identifying documents.
And the final step to this process? The Photo ID for our NJDL And, apparently, from the expressions of the folks having completed the process, comparable to a root canal.
And tragically, you cannot invoke Rules 1 and 2.
And, inevitably, there I stood in front of that white screen, waiting for the click and flash and the unavoidable result.
Click. Flash.
There it was, displayed at approximately 5,000 times it's actual size.
THE PICTURE. For all (me, the MVC lady and all the folks waiting in line behind me) to view.
Kindly, the very kind MVC lady, having viewed THE PICTURE, kindly asked me "Do you want to take another one?"
Bless that MVC kindly lady. I agreed to have another go at it, knowing all along, that it was a waste of MVC time.
Three, kindly, PICTURES later, we both threw in the towel. You can't fight Science.
The Moral
An exhaustive study confirms that these pixs, indiscriminately and universally, suck. Don't know about you, but I go to great lengths to avoid showing mine. Obeying speed limits for instance? Think about that for a New Jersey minute. Humiliating photo IDs: happenstance or ingenious law enforcement strategy?
* For years I thought "Subsequent Progeny" was my name.
** Working off several lifetimes of iffy karma.
*** Alternatively: division; commision; agency; administration; bureau; office of; board; authority; service; council; club house.
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