The Besties

 

The Besties

The Bestie Awards
Once again we're into Awards Season. Although, it seems all seasons are  Awards ones.

You got your Oscars. Your Grammys. Your Tonys. Your Country Music Association Awards. Your Primetime Emmys. Your Daytime Emmys. Your Post-Daytime Pre-Primetime Say 5:30 To 7:00ish Emmys. Your People's Choice Awards. Your Critics' Choice Awards. Your Critical People's Choice Awards: not to be confused with your Choice People's Critical Awards. Something for everyone. Almost. For those Awards junkies who just can't get enough of Awards stuff, I'm thinking  "What better time to present my very own Bests Of awards?" And Now.....

Carol's Besties

The Oscars 

1) The "Honor just to be nominated" interviews.

 2) The presenters' witty banter. 

3 )The smiles of the not winners.* "You've chosen my fellow nominee. Excellent. I'm smiling really hard because IT'S AN HONOR JUST TO BE NOMINATED. And I know where you people live."  These performances suggestive of a whole separate Oscar's category:
The Smileys                                                           

4) And, inevitably, the folksy (Hey we're just like regular people with kids and everything) "Andy and Sarah, daddy loves you. Now go to bed"

They're playing me off so on the the next category

Best Cars

I know, approximately, nothing about cars. If you ask me "What does so-and-so drive?" I'd answer, with some assurance, "A red SUV. Or a blue regular car"

Thereby exhausting my automotive knowledge. In spite of my ignorance, I do have fond memories of certain cars in my life. Like?

1) The Old Buckaroo
The "vintage"** Rambler in which I, at seventeen, learned to drive a stick shift. My learning curve providing hours of entertainment for the neighbors, who gathered on their front steps to watch me lurch around the block. It was a revelation when I got to leave the hood and drive in a straight line. Who knew there was a third gear?

2) The "Unsafe At Any Speed" **** Spiffy Red Corvair Convertible
My, hand-me-down, college car. And who cared about safety? It was a Spiffy Red Corvair Convertible.

3) The 70's Sixer
That 1971 Plymouth Gold Duster. Brandy new and with a SLANT SIX (!) ENGINE (!) Turns out I was driving one of the "TOP 10 ENGINES OF ALL TIME" (!) **** according to News and Car Culture. And, I'm told by "Car Buffs" (comparable to Foodies, minus the bloat), a car I'd still be driving, if that high school kid (who, apparently didn't get enough round-the-block, driving practice) hadn't rear-ended us. Me and my: 1971 Plymouth Gold Duster With The SLANT SIX ENGINE (!) 

4) Le Lemon                                                                                                                                   
And finally the, used, Renault Le Car. A, petite, car with a certain cache being as it was French and all. Mon Dieu. I loved that little car. Tres jolie. It would have been tres jolie-er if it had actually run. Approximately Every (curse word) Week (en Francais: Chaque [French curse word] Semaine) some part had to be replaced with a nouveau one. From France. When I, finally, bid adieu to Le Car, I'd replaced so many parts, practically the whole thing was nouveau.                                                        

 Best Vegetarian Meal      

I was in Northern West Virginia (or was it Western North Virginia?) destined for a small town (actually most of the towns in West Virginia are small ones), when I stopped in one of those small stores between small towns to ask for travel info (plus a Snickers Bar). Of course you don't have a chance in hell of getting a signal in those West Virginia mountains, so I, pointing to my, trusty,  map***** asked the small store owner.                                                                                       

"Could you tell me how long it will take me to get there, Ma'am?" (when in Rome). "Well" she replied "Depends on who's in front of you."                                                                                           
Thereby giving rise to the Best Answer category.

Back to our story. That quarter inch on the map turned into a winding, up one mountain, down the next, three hour drive. Bringing me to my destination small town way later than I expected. 6:00 PM (AKA Nighttime: STT Small Town Time). So of course everything was closed. When, OMG, I spied a person (actually The person) walking along. "Excuse me sir, I'm looking for a place to eat. Vegetarian (I mentioned in a moment of madness) would be great." "Well, ma'am," he answered politely in spite of my New Jersey plates. "There's an old Victorian down this block that serves that kind of food" ******                                                                       
Well, sirs and ma'ams, there was that Victorian. With one table on the front porch at which sat the owners, plus friends. These folks seemed thrilled to see me. Or, possibly, anybody. And even thrilleder to make my vegetarian meal. And I too was thrilled. Not only to receive a small town welcome. But also having The Best (remember the category?) Vegetarian Meal I'd ever had. BTW: Those small town West Virginian vegetarian hosts? Originally from New Jersey (Exit 145). Yes we are everywhere.

And Last (At Last)
Best Plane Flight

The one I wasn't on. The ones I especially enjoyed not being on? Those multi-hour, crossing of time zones ones. Cruising altitude: heaven. The ones where, well meaning (recklessly relaxed) people tell you: "Have a couple of drinks and sleep through it." ******

We're all going to die. 

Conversely, let's not forget those "puddle jumpers"; "short hops." Those flights where you're on a plane the size of a Toyota. And, no matter where you sit, you're next to the propeller. And with that propeller three inches away from your ears and revving at 400,000,000 RPMs, you can't hear the instructions of the flight attendants. Those pre-flight safety instructions you always ignore?
Well, now that you can't hear them, you're sure they're just the strategies you'll need for the, inevitable, emergency water landing. Plus, you'll never know not to disable the smoke detectors in the bathroom. And, absent guidance, you've forgotten to locate your nearest exit. Which, to make matters worse, may be located behind you.
So. After that "this plane will Never make it off the ground" take-off, you spend the first half of your flight pinned back against your seat as the plane gains altitude. Just seconds after you've hit cruising altitude and you're ready to move freely about the cabin, you're into your initial descent and spend the second half of your flight bent over your knees.
Finally the "this plane will Never stop in time" landing.
Those kinds of flights. And every other kind. Even the ones I've never heard of. You name a flight and it's gonna be the best one I never took.

Finale (Finally)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               
Although we haven't even scratched the surface. For instance, we haven't touched on...
Best Advice I Pretended to Ignore So I Wouldn't Have To Give Credit But Secretly Followed Anyway Award and
Best Places To Get Free Food Samples Instead Of Buying Lunch Prize.

Best Post Ending Of Carol's Besties ********

This Post Is Ended

* If you feel bad for the not winners, all of them, winners and nominees alike receive gift bags worth, in excess of, $100,000. Feel better?

** Now they're "Vintage." Then they were "Junkers."

*** When Buzz Kill Ralph Nader took all the fun out of driving Should-Never-Be-On-The-Road Cars 

**** The exclamation points are mine, just to show you how enthusiastic (!) News and Car Culture is about the situation (!)

***** Printed on parchment in Olde English.

****** Southern manners should not be underrated. He was cordial even though I just know he wouldn't, personally, put the words "vegetarian" and "food' in the same sentence.

******* Really? The Last thing I'd want to be is buzzed. Because, wouldn't you need your wits about you after you've survived the crash into the Alaskan wilderness; built a fire out of Inflight Magazines; fashioned snow shoes out of your seat cushion; (which also serves as a flotation device) and hiked 200 miles to the nearest logging camp? Or what?

******** From the Latin "Bestiality"