Too Old to Die Young: Old Business

 

Old Business

Old Business

I've heard it said that middle age is ten years older than you. At some point, come on people, that no longer cuts it. We are our parents. The seniors. The next graduating class.

I know that for some of us in The Me Generation this is a bitter pill to swallow.* Understandably.

But, I'm here, in my humble way, to help. In order to facilitate your transition to the senior years, may I offer some tips? 

1) Gift Giving 

Often, the older you get, the bigger your family gets. This frequently involves very lovely people, who insist on having birthdays, weddings, anniversaries and babies. Not to mention the regular holidays requiring acknowledgment: a lengthening list of cards and gifts, demanding constant calendar-ial vigilance.

It's too much I tell you. So, two suggestions

1a) Money Gifts

They take the place of soliciting requests; shopping; wrapping; shipping.

Money always fits. No returns. Kids get to buy what they want and you've saved yourself (it's been calculated) 750 hours of gift related activities.

1b) One and Done

The first week of January, send the entire years’ worth of assorted gifts and cards, with instructions to open on the appropriate dates. These people know when their birthdays are.

2) Gift Receiving 

None. Ain't you already got enough crap? Unless, of course, it's money, which always fits.

3) Personal Grooming  

Free at Last

There are those who count down the years, waiting to throw caution to the wind: The I No Longer Give A Crap What Anyone Thinks Contingent. I say Kudos. Go for it. Embrace your inner lunatic

In thumbing your nose at convention you can, both, satisfy your rebellious spirit and mortify the family. A twofer.    

For the less adventuresome, I have a few observations. Which we shall explore, in detail, after this brief aside for the menfolk.

A short word to you guys who, because you've always had less freedom in how you present yourselves to the world, face fewer problem areas.

However, a couple of danger zones:

Pantsed

The waistband of your pants should remain in the general waist vicinity. 

Pants too high? The law requires that you move to Florida.

Too low? You must become a plumber. Again, a legal requirement.     

            

The Comb Over

I know this is a popular maneuver. While it looks impressive from a distance. say an airplane, it has its drawbacks:

It's especially tricky on windy days.

It just screams "Look at my, cleverly, disguised bald spot."

  

( Back to our grooming tips)

4) Lipstick: AKA Lip Service

One of life's great cruelties is that, while the rest of our bodies are spreading, our lips are downsizing. And not in a good way. Virtually disappearing.

There are those who spend $bucks$ on lip augmentation, with varying degrees of success. From the dead worms on the face look. To the gargoyle whose wordsarecomingoutoftheirfacesbutwhothehellknowswherethey'recomingfrom option. 

If you chose to go non-interventionist, listen to me. And I'm yelling this. DO NOT try to compensate by painting on fuller lips. You might as well draw arrows on your face. Nobody (and I'm saying this very kindly), Nobody is fooled.

5)  Eyeliner

Save yourself. Do not spend any money or time on this activity. Cause here's how this works. You pull up your eyebrow (using either your own hand or some mechanical device) to locate your eyelid. Carefully, you paint on a delicate line which terminates in a jaunty flair. Now, let go of your eyebrow. Can you see your eyelid? Neither can anyone else.

6)  Blush

Gotta say this beauty product should come with a warning: Use At Your Own Risk  . 

Yes, things can go so wrong so quickly here.

Might I suggest a couple of strategies?

6a) Handle the brush like it's hot. As though, if you hold it too long, you'll get burned. Because ONE brush stroke too many can take you from a healthy glow to Baby Jane.

Alternatively;

6b) Apply blush. Then take a tissue and wipe off 90%. Reminder. Not everyone has cataracts.

7)Hair

7a) Style

Call me crazy, but our great grandmothers may have been onto something. I'm kinda in the let it grow camp. Just long enough to accommodate various configurations: top knot; even bouncy high ponytail. Fewer trips to the hairdresser. This could save you, like, $35,000+tips, a year and hours of conversation with the 11 year old hairdresser who think you're a boring old fart anyway.

7b) Color: Examples:

Jet Black -- see Morticia Adams

Bright Red -- works really well if your husband is a Cuban band leader.

Nowadays, of course there are a whole range of hues available for hair and not just for them young whippersnappers. You go senior hipster. Even the government, which previously only listed the traditional hair colors, now allows for "other." "Pink ombre with lavender bayalage, green highlights and turquoise lowlights" is commonly cited on drivers' licenses.

 

8) Clothes and Jewelry

Got me. I have no earthly clue. Ask someone who's not fashion challenged. But maybe not one of the, above cited, Free At Last-ers.

9) Sex

PSA: DO NOT DISCUSS THIS IN DETAIL WITH ANYONE WHO IS NOT PAID TO LISTEN.**

Not with friends, family or the person sitting next to you on a plane. 

10) Health

As we get older, our bodies tend to do weird and unexpected stuff. The kind of stuff our Parents complained, endlessly, about. But that stuff's for Old People. Dammit! We're Boomers Dammit! Dylan told us Forever Young!

But just suppose, by some fluke, you get some health stuff. Two things to remember..

10a) Other peoples' stuff is boring "The hernia again? Shoot me."

10b) Almost everyone is riveted by your stuff.

11) Friendship 

Time is short. I suggest you spend it with people you would like if you met them today.

12) Memory and I use the term loosely

Barring pathology, being memory challenged, is just another annoyance of senior-ization. Yes it's irritating not to remember why I walked into a room. Or wrote this sentence.

Also. Don't know about you but I'm frequently frustrated by forgetting vital information. Like the names of all of:

Santa's reindeer.***

The Seven Dwarfs.***

Liz Taylor's husbands.***

But, there's an upside here. When a friend is telling me a story and says "Stop me if you've heard this." Well, I probably did. Yesterday. But it's news again today. My friend is delighted to (re)tell her story to an avid audience. And, by tacit agreement, all my stories are also hot news. Win. Win.

Where was I?

Oh yeah. So I think I've provided some tools which can save you time and money. I hope you use both to have fun.

Or not. If you're too happy you definitely lose your edge in the making your kids feel guilty sweepstakes. But that option always remains open. To quote someone whose name I forget. "Avenge yourself. Live long enough to be a burden to your children." 

But, in the meantime, go out and have fun. Get stupid. Keeping in mind: 
"Those who laugh last should remember to cross their legs."

* Particularly if Me has GERD.

** Who talk about you with other paid professionals, And boy do they get a laugh.

*** Those names, in random order:

Nicky, Cupid, Grabby, Happy, Bob, Chuck, Dander, John, Gary, Jose, Eddie, Meany, Lord Byron, Bob, Sleazy, Caligula, Blixen, Bob, Sandra Day O'Connor.

 Carol Kaplan